I didn't take my usual travel sleep cocktail of trazodone and Benedryl last night, because I figured my liver already had enough to deal with. I fell asleep easily enough, but then I woke up around 3:30 and haven't really gotten back to sleep since. I've dozed and drifted and tried, but to no avail. So I figured I'd surf a little then try again. I don't have anywhere to be until 7:30 or 8, I think.
Because of the waking up at 3 yesterday morning thing, I was totally exhausted last night too. This time I was prepared - knowing I was going to fall asleep with Liam, I got on pajamas, brushed my teeth, and took a trazodone. Crashed hard around 8:30. And woke up at 1. Switched pillows, got my eye mask, settled back in - and lied there wide awake, looking at the inside of the my eyelids. I tried various counting tricks to no avail. Lied in bed hopefully for about an hour, and then decided I might as well get up.

Grrr. I'm really hoping I'll get tired enough to fall back asleep. 4.5 hours sleep is NOT enough.
Sleep: Went to bed early last night - around 9:30 - and slept like a rock until 3. That's usually when Liam wakes up and I move into his room, but he didn't wake up at 3 last night. I lied awake until close to 4, and Liam woke me up at 5:30. I went into his room, said "I love you too, now go to sleep" a whole bunch of times, and drifted off a little bit while he was settling back in. But by the time he was fully back asleep I was fully awake, and got up around 6:30. So the jury is still out on the Trazodone. My first block of sleep is definitely sounder, but my recollection from before was that the major benefit was that it helped me get back to sleep better after I woke up, and that's not the case so far this time. Of course, I didn't have a toddler last time. Also - no disturbing or intense dreams (yet).

Health: I hab a code. Just in time for my vacation. Oh well - I'm several days into it, so I'm hoping that it will start to get better soon. But right now my nose is runny and my eyes are itchy and my sinuses are congested. Ick.

Liam: Fun with pronouns! Liam only has one. When he sees someone doing something and wants to know what they're up to, he asks "Mommy, what him donin?" Doesn't matter if him is a her, they're all him to him. Even when the him *is* him, as in when he sees a picture of himself. "Him got a present! Him eatin cake!" [livejournal.com profile] neoliminal - here's one just for you. Last night he was pretending to be a doctor as we were trying to get him up to bed. *Really* pretending - we'd ask him something like "Do you want to give Daddy a kiss?" and he'd answer "I not Liam. I doctor." Oh, okay, we'd say, does the doctor want to give Daddy a kiss? Then he would. He was the same way this morning with pretending to be a firefighter.
I convinced my doctor to write me a prescription for Trazodone now, rather than waiting until the first appointment they were able to give me (November 2). I'll start taking it tonight.

I've realized today that I'm having some sort of manic episode. I'm not generally of the bipolar sort, but I've clearly got something going on. Whether the sleep deprivation is cause or symptom of said mania, I'm not sure. (The excessive LJ posting is definitely a symptom.) Work and life has been requiring a really high level of intensity from me lately, and I'm not being able to shut that intensity down when it's no longer needed.

So, trazodone. I usually don't write dream posts, but in the first week the trazodone inspired ones are real humdingers, so stay tuned.
So, apparently weaning day came at just the right time, because the last week or so has seen my worst bout of insomnia in months and months. Regular readers will remember that I originally got the idea of pushing weaning because I was thinking about gonig back on Trazodone, a drug that helped me greatly with my insomnia before Liam was born. Then things got better for a while, and I lost my motivation.

I'd blame weaning and the subsequent hormonal shifts in my body for the lack of sleep, but the problem started a few days before that, so they're not directly linked.

Work is very high intensity lately. I have a lot of projects that I'm involved with, and a lot of work to do in them. I've got a ton of travel coming up in November, and that's already making me feel busier than ever, just anticipating that month. It's good - I'd rather be involved and motivated than bored, as I so often am, and I'm doing some good work that I'm proud of of and getting good feedback on - but it's stressful at the same time, and my brain can't work that hard all day long and then effectively shut down at night.

Plus, I'm heading off to Chicago for a vacation next week, and planning and anticipation of that trip has been contributing to the overall high level of brain spinning at night.

I'm going to call my doctor's office tomorrow. I have an old bottle of Trazodone in the cupboard, but it expired in 2004. I'm hoping I can convince them to just call me in a prescription to the doctor's office, since I'd love to have some help sleeping in Chicago next week, and I don't know when I'd fit in a doctor's visit between now and then (well, Friday, maybe, if they can get me in).

Liam is restless too - he's crying out for his "helmet" in his sleep. And calling for me. I better go check in.
I haven't slept well in the last two weeks. Not because Liam is waking me up at night - he mostly sleeps through now, and we stopped nursing at night months ago - just because I'm not a good sleeper. Never have been really. But two weeks of restless nights is getting to be a bit much, and I think I need to starting thinking about going back on Trazodone[1]. Which is not really compatible with breastfeeding - in extreme circumstances it's considered acceptable (as are most SSRI's) but I'd prefer to not mess with Liam's brain chemistry.

And while there are times that nursing is a wonderful close warm bonding experience for both of us, much of the time it's become a battle against wandering hands, pinching fingers, kicking feet, and a little boy who pretends he's Cookie Monster while nursing, gets distracted, and pops off and on.

So yeah, time to think about weaning. We've got two times a day that we almost always nurse - first thing in the morning and as part of Liam's bedtime routine. We occasionally nurse other times too. Seems like a good first step would be to cut back to just those two times, in their specified places (bed in the morning, the chair in the evening) and cut out the extras. This will be relatively easy during the week, when our time together is limited, but will be more challenging on weekends. Especially since right now naptime on weekends is the only time that Liam still nurses to sleep. But if we can do that for a couple of weeks, then we can think about cutting out one or both of the others. I think going cold turkey would just cause us a lot of unnecessary pain, so we'll try a slower approach to start.

I always said that we'd stop nursing when either one of us thought it was time to be done. I'm all in favor of child-led weaning, but only if Mom's okay with that too - nursing is a partnership, after all.

[1] Trazodone is an anti-depressent, frequently prescribed for insomnia at doses that are sub-therapeutic for depression. Unlike something like Ambien, it's non-habit forming so can be taken every day - important for me, as when I tried Ambien I found myself wanting/needing to take it much more often than suggested. At a 50 mg dose it makes it easier for me to both fall asleep and fall back asleep. I still wake up after 5 hours, but I can go back to sleep after that. At the 100 mg dose it gives me panic attacks and incredibly bizarre and vivid dreams, so more is NOT better. I tried a bunch of natural alternatives before finally going over to the medical side of things, and I was very pleased with the results. I stopped taking it almost three years ago when I found myself pregnant.
Hard time sleeping last night - not sure why, just restless. Took a Benedryl as soon as I realized that I really wasn't going to be able to sleep otherwise, but that meant I was incredibly groggy when Liam woke up (around 5, I think). Fortunately, he fell asleep after nursing (the residual Benedryl in the breastmilk probably helped) and didn't wake up for the day until 6:30. It's funny - on days when he falls back asleep, he's often very upset when he wakes up the second time. It's like "Hey, you tricked me and made me go back to sleep!" He didn't want to nurse again while we were in bed and got quite upset when I suggested it (I was looking for some low-key wake up time for myself) - he wasn't falling for that trick again.

But now I'm pooped. Thought about calling in to work "furniture" as [livejournal.com profile] daedala says, but didn't. I was doing okay until lunch, but now siesta time is upon me. It certainly doesn't help that I don't have very engaging work to do today. I could a) Read over some documents and look for insights that connect to work our Human Capital Initiatives team is doing or b) do a bunch of web searching collecting email addresses for organizations we want to send a press release and call for nominations to. The problem with a) is that reading when I'm sleepy never works well - my mind wanders, and I just get more sleepy. The problem with b) is that it's boring.

Maybe I'll do c) instead - go down into the dark room with the comfy chair at the end of the hall and take a little rest, in the hopes that I'll be more productive afterwards.

Edited to add: Ended up choosing option d) go home. I just couldn't get up the energy to work, and knew that nothing short of a real nap was going to change that. So now I'm going to go upstairs and do that.
Because I know that even if I do manage to get sleepy and go back to bed, there's no possible way I'm going to get enough sleep to feel rested. Aargh.

Woke up to nurse Liam, and that went okay - I even started to drift off to sleep in his little bed. But he's having a restless night, and right after I moved back to the big bed he was up again, so we turned on the light, and gave him some tylenol, and he nursed again, and somewhere in the middle of protecting myself from his pinchy fingers and scratchy toenails I woke up completely.

He finally got back to sleep and I moved into the big bed once again, but have since been incapable of falling to sleep. Eric is having a much more snore-y night than usual, which is compounding the problem of course. Mostly I'm just in thoughts racing mode, obsessing about things I/we haven't done. Particularly, I'm feeling woefully unprepared for running Hospitality at ConFusion, which is silly given that it's still 4 months away - plenty of time for planning. But a message to myself that I need to get with [livejournal.com profile] dlacey and start talking through some things. Anyone interested in working a shift or two in ConSuite or Green Room?


Jun. 14th, 2005 11:13 am
I know, I know, you're all sick and tired of hearing me complain about sleep. But gosh this whole insomnia/sleep trouble thing is annoying. Right now, I'm so sleepy. If I had a bed, I could curl up on it and be out. Yesterday, driving home from work, same thing. 10 pm last night, when I'm trying to go to bed? Wide awake. Not sleepy at all. Sooo annoying.

I've got a real quandary here. I don't think Liam is ready to nightwean, and forcing him to do it would be hard on all of us. But getting no sleep is killing me. I'd like to try taking trazadone again. It's approved for cautious use during breastfeeding, and I'd feel more comfortable using it if Liam was nightweaned, as then there'd be a 10 hour gap (give or take) between my taking it and him nursing.

Ugh. I was thinking I'd try to make it until Liam was 16 months old before I started forcing the nightweaning issue. But nighttimes are just getting so hard, especially with this heat and humidity, when the last thing I want is a sweaty baby with a mouth full of sharp little teeth attached to me for hours at a time.


Jun. 11th, 2005 08:16 am
I'm tired and I'm angry. I'm not angry at anyone, I'm just angry at circumstances. I hate that I have this stupid insomnia and can't fucking sleep even when I'm exhausted. I'm so tired this morning that I have a horrible headache, but when Eric got up with Liam so I could sleep in all I could do was lie there wide awake.

It's my own fucking fault of course, because last night was game night and we had a bunch of people come over and I actually had a chance to play some games. Is it too much to ask that I get to have some grown up fun every once in a while? Especially since I really had no way of knowing that a game that usually take 45-75 minutes was going to take 2 1/2 fucking hours.

I went to bed too late last night and I was really tired, and then of course there was the fucking nursing. And since we're heading into a weekend and Eric didn't have to be alert for work, last night was the night we were going to start trying to find other ways to help Liam get back to sleep. But Eric fell asleep on the couch so when Liam woke up at 3 I was stuck dealing with him. I was in the middle of a deep sleep, so I nursed him, but then he wouldn't unlatch without screaming bloody murder, and Eric was fast asleep downstairs, and the longer I nursed, the more awake I became. And it's not like I can be angry at Eric, cause the man's a fucking saint who got up with the screaming baby[1] at 6:30 so I'd have a chance to get some fucking sleep, only I COULDN'T FUCKING SLEEP.

[1] Screaming because I took him off the boob before he was ready. But he was going to sit there and nurse and sleep forever, and the longer I let him do that the less likely it is that I'm going to be able to go back to sleep.


May. 7th, 2005 01:16 am
I was so utterly exhausted today that I went to bed when Liam did, at 7:30 pm. Now I'm wide awake. Which isn't right, because even with the early bed time, I'd expect to be awake at, oh, 3:30 or so, not 1! To make matters worse, my stomach is upset. The fault, no doubt, of eating a philly cheesesteak a half hour before going to bed. I hope it's just that and not actual food poisoning, although at this point I think I'd feel better if I just threw up. Tums aren't helping much.


So tired

May. 6th, 2005 11:08 am
Sleepy Tammy. Liam is napping, so I tried to as well, but when I hadn't fallen asleep after over a half hour of lying in bed, I figured I'd better get up. Cause Liam will be awake within the next hour, and I think it would be worse to be just drifting off when he wakes up than to have gotten no sleep at all. But I think I'll go lounge on the couch until the young king summons me.
The latest: Doors! Liam can't get anough of them. The big doors in the bedroom and bathroom are especially fun to open and close, even more so when Mom is on one side and Dad on the other. But un-babyproofed cupboard door next to the stove is pretty amazing too - he just spent a full 5 minutes opening it, squealing with joy, closing it, and doing it all over again.

Oh, and this morning, I put him down to stand and got to a count of 7! Look out world - won't be long now.

The law of unintended consequences: About a week ago I started taking a magnesium supplement, after reading that magnesium deficiency is linked to insomnia and sleep problems. My hope was that it would help me fall asleep easier at the beginning of the night, and fall back to sleep more easily after Liam's wake-ups. Well, it does seem to be having some positive effects on my sleep. Only problem is, now that I'm able to sleep, I want to, and the constant wake-ups are killing me! Whereas before they didn't really bother me all that much. I've been going to bed between 9 and 10 every night, and it's hard to get up in the morning. If anything, I'm feeling more tired than before, although I do think I'm getting more actual sleep, which will hopefully help me be healthier.

It's especially bad right now, since Liam is teething (and I think he's got at least two working their way throough at the same time). So he's sleeping much worse than usual, and he's not a good sleeper to start with.
Lots and lots of it. Took a Benadryl and a Melatonin and went to bed (in the spare room) just after Liam did, around 8 pm. Woke up at 11:30 and joined him in the big bed to nurse him back to sleep. Woke up again at 3:30 for nose-hosing and ibuprofen administering (Liam has sadly gotten the ick that I had last week and had a fever all day yesterday). Then slept off and on between nursing until Liam woke up for the day at 7:30. I feel like a whole new woman.

As I was lying in bed tryng to fall asleep at 8 last night I started getting worried - almost panicky - that I had just forgotten how to fall asleep and would never remember. Everytime I woke up I savored the sensation of coming out of sleep, because it meant that I really had slept. I feel more normal today, not hyper- aware and hyper-alert like I've been for the last couple of days.
Here I am again, wide awake way past my bedtime. I did get some sleep earlier. I actually got sleepy around 6-ish, so I went to bed right after putting Liam down, around 7:30 or so. Even feeling sleepy it took me a long while to fall asleep, and I woke up around 9 and have been awake ever since. I know my body is tired and needs rest, but I'm just completely - and inexplicably - alert. It's been days since I took a decongestant, so I can't blame that. I did take Benedryl the last two nights (because I wasn't falling asleep any other way) so maybe it's some weird rebound thing. But it's really getting a bit ridiculous - I've had fewer than 6 (and non-contiguous, at that) hours of sleep out of the last 41!

Eric, who is very unused to getting up at 7 am (especially two days in a row!) is asleep and sawing logs upstairs, with Liam tucked in beside him. I find it difficult to fall asleep while Eric is snoring at the best of times, so I'm completely hosed tonight - no lying in bed hoping I'll suddenly fall asleep.

Really not sure what to do. I'm drinking chamomile tea. When I finish posting this, perhaps I'll curl up with a magazine. Reading has been known to make me sleepy in the past, so long as it wasn't a novel that was too compelling to put down. I might as well try that until a) I finally get sleepy or b) Liam wakes up again.
Feeling better today, in some ways. Now I just feel like I have a regular cold, rather than the flu (aka, being hit by a brick). I'm sure I'd feel even better, had I been able to get any decent amount of sleep in the last two days.

Last night I didn't get to sleep until almost 1. I tried going to sleep earlier, and lied awake, tossing and turning. So I got up and made some chamomile tea, and went back to bed when I started feeling a little sleepy. No beans. By this time Liam was waking up, so I nursed him, hoping the oxytocin and prolactin would kick in with their tranquilizer effect. Was getting kinda drifty when Liam needed to switch sides, revealing that he was lying in a wet leaky diaper. Even with Eric's help, waking up enough to change a diaper and a sleeper put the kibosh on that round. My legs were feeling kindy achy and restless, so I got up and took a hot, relaxing bath. And a Benadryl. And then it still took a long time to fall asleep.

So what the hell was that all about? I'd understand if I'd been sleeping all day long because I was sick. But I wasn't, because I haven't been tired/able to sleep during the day either.

Of course, after I did finally fall asleep Liam started waking up every half hour or so and only nursing would do. I'd just fall into a nice sleep and he'd wake me up crying. Eric got up with him at 7 when he woke up for the day, but Eric is groggy enough in the morning by the time that he got Liam out of the room I'd lost the tenuous hold I had on sleep and I've been up ever since. Not for lack of trying, mind you. Around 10 I was feeling pretty tired so I went upstairs and lied in bed for 40 minutes trying to fall asleep. Nope.

All I can say is that it fucking sucks to be me. Liam will be ready for his next nap of the day in about a half hour and I'm going to try going down with him, see if that works. Cross your fingers for me.
Left work at 3 and came home to try to nap. Lied down for an hour and a half, with no luck. Got up around 5 because my phone was ringing and I thought it might be my parents, and really, that was around when I was figuring I should get out of bed anyway. It wasn't my parents, but I called them to see what the plan was. They'd had a busy day and hadn't left yet. So it will be around 8:30 or 9 before they arrive.

And I'm still just so tired I could cry. I don't know what to do. Try to go back to bed, even though I don't think I'll do any better than on my previous attempt? Curl up on the couch and veg in front of the television. Give in and cry for a while?


Le sigh

Mar. 12th, 2004 09:01 am
Still not sleeping well. I was warned that the third trimester might be like this, and with only a little more than 6 weeks to go, I shouldn't be surprised.

It's not even that I can't get comfortable, or anything like that. Seems just like garden variety insomnia. I go to bed, fall asleep for a couple hours, wake up to pee, then can't get back to sleep. I toss, I turn, I meander my mind over stuff, I listen to Eric snore. I should just get out of bed when I reach that point, but I've never been very good at that - I'm just so desparate to get any kind of rest I can, that even lying down with my eyes closed seems good. Early this morning I noticed my throat was feeeling dry, so I turned on the humidifier, and between the humidity and the white noise, managed to get another hour or two of the real thing.

More perplexingly, my hands hurt. They've been hurting all week, but I attributed that to all the heavy pot lifting after last Sunday's cooking extravaganza. I don't know why they'd still hurt now. In particular, bending my fingers and grasping things is uncomfortable. Doesn't seem to be affecting my typing much, though.

Baby stuff!

Mar. 9th, 2004 03:17 pm
I got my birth kit in the mail today. Since I'm doing a homebirth I need to purchase a bunch of my own supplies. This is the stuff that I have to get from the medical supply company - I have another list that I need to collect from just regular stores or around the house. One of the things in the box from Cascade is a tiny little baby hat. It's very adorable.

Little Bean has the hiccups right now for the second time today. My belly is shaking! Little Bean's hiccups tend to be much faster than grown up hiccups - as frequently as just a second or two apart!

Last night was a weird night. I didn't sleep very well, and the first two times I woke up I was so cold getting to and from the bathroom that my teeth were chattering. Don't have any idea what that was all about - these days I'm usually too warm - it's very strange to be too cold. But the rest of the night was better, at least on the being cold front - the sleeping front was not so good.

Going to see Jesus Christ Superstar in Detroit tonight. It's one of my favorite musicals - I'm really looking forward to it.
I slept really well while we were away. Sure, I got up a lot and had some middle of the night indigestion (all too frequent these days), but generally I fell asleep easily and mostly stayed that way.

So coming home and sleeping in my very own bed should have been even better, right? Bzzzz - try again. I was restless, and sleepless, and woke up sore when I did fall asleep. My bed's no less comfortable than the one at the hotel, so it wasn't that. It must all be about state of mind. While we were away, I made a conscious effort to relax and not worry about anything. Now that I'm home, all sorts of little things pop up to nag me - bills to pay, groceries to shop for, errands to run, things to do around the house before the baby comes. And next thing you know, it's another anxious, restless night.

Le sigh. At least I successfully managed to let all that stuff go for a couple of days. Which is what the whole trip was really all about, afterall.



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